In Search for Nuts
In Search for Nuts
The sun was peering through a thick, foggy cloud bank outside a ginormous picture window of the Los Angeles airport one late November morning in 2010. I had to pinch myself hard to actually make myself believe once again that I had been fortunate enough to win first place in the "Best Fictional Sloth Twitter Account Operator" contest. It was a dream come true to win round trip airfare to Indonesia for the annual Fictional Sloth Twitter Account Operator's Convention. The only thing better would have been if it included a Lifehouse concert. Ah, the wishful thinking of a deluded Lifehouse superfan. My head tilted back in silent laughter at the very thought. Lifehouse play Indonesia? Haha...only in our dreams. Couldn't I ever just be happy with something in my life without it having to be connected to Lifehouse in some way? I get the silliest notions sometimes.
The smell of warm cinnamon nuts wafted through the halls near the gate. I remembered how Lifehouse had tweeted a picture of their favorite airport nutstand, "Nuts on Clark" and after I smelled these LA nuts, I could see why. I let my nasal passages follow to where this wonderful aroma was leading me, but I soon saw there was a detour. I had to use the elevator to go up one floor. As I stepped onto the elevator, I saw a tall Nordic looking man with blond, flat ironed hair. He was wearing some large pinkish red sunglasses, a hooded sweatshirt and a lumberjack looking read plaid flannel shirt over the top. He seemed familiar to me somehow and important. But I was hungry, and I couldn't wait to get my hands on those nuts. It was odd because, he seemed a little apprehensive, like he was afraid of elevators or something. I heard him kind of sing/mumble something like, "not ready to break." He dropped a quarter on the ground. I scurried to scoop it up before he noticed, but then I saw it was a Canadian quarter. Pshhh... useless. I gave it back to him. He didn't say anything....just stared back at me. Weird, it was like there was something nagging at my brain. Something was telling me... "ding" the elevator interrupted my thought. Ah...onto the nuts.
As I approached the nut stand, I stopped to grab a coffee at a little sandwich shop. In line ahead of me, I saw the profile of a follicularly challenged gentleman sporting a cute little beanie hat. He was ordering a grilled cheese, but he was insistent that there be no cheese on it. I couldn't help but roll my eyes and thought, "Some people." He was getting a little angry and started bellyaching about how much he hated cheese. On top of that, he seemed to have some spastic disorder that made him twitch a lot and he was saying some repetitive statements about "sweet corn." I felt sad that LA didn't take better care of people in his condition. This airport was no place for a man like that. I mean...this was clearly the type of guy that could get lost in an airport if left unsupervised.
"Ding, ding" went my trusty phone. It was an incoming tweet from Bryce Soderberg's twitter account. I knew this was going to be good! "Some chick just tried to steal mah money" Oh man...Bryce always tweeted the funniest stuff. I tweeted right back, "LOL ... what kind of crazy person steals money from a rock star?" I started thinking about all the travelling that Lifehouse does...all the airports they must see. I tweeted to @lifehousemusic "Hey guys! Let's play find Lifehouse" I know very well by now that they never listen to any of my tweets, but I smiled at the thought nonetheless and continued on my search for nuts.
I approached "Nuts on Clark" and I saw this man in his late twenties/early thirties with blondish brown highlighted hair. He had this typical LA wanna-be-rockstar-perfectly-disheveled look to him. He was facing the kiosk and I couldn't help but notice that I really liked the intricate details on the pockets of his jeans. I snapped a quick picture and twitpic'd it to all my followers with my usual caption, "Booty shot!" I heard the man asking the clerk if there were any men's bathrooms with stalls. He purchased a pack of gummy bears and was holding a cup of hot water. Hahahaa....everything seems to remind me of Lifehouse. Funny how that is.
He turned around and said hello. He stopped for a second like he recognized me or something. Then he leaned over and said, "You have a hair on your jacket. I notice hairs everywhere when I'm traveling." I smiled, "Oh...thanks. I do shed a lot." As he walked away, he started pointing to other people in the airport and called out, "Hello there ladies and gentlemen." As he walked by, my eyebrows rose involuntarily and I found myself rolling my eyes again. LA is full of such weirdness...everybody thinks they're the next big rockstar.
I was just about to order my nuts and suddenly I had to do a double take. There was this man that kind of looked like....wait....he looked exactly like Ben Carey from (you guessed it) Lifehouse!!!!!! Oh my gosh...he walked right up next to me and asked for a bendy straw. My eyes almost popped right out of my head. I couldn't believe it. I thought that winning the contest and free flight to the convention was the best thing that ever happened to me. But this...THIS no one was going to believe. In the LA airport, on a late November day...on my way to Indonesia at a nut stand.... I met Jesus!!!
I got down on my hands and knees and exclaimed, "Halleluiah" and Jesus sang, "It's raining Ben" and then instinctively, I said, "Amen." It was as if Jesus knew my thoughts. I couldn't stop praising Jesus and I offered to buy him some nuts, but he just smiled and walked away saying, "Good to see you again." Ahhh...it's like he's been watching over me all these years. I knew it! I just KNEW it.
When I went back to the gate area, I noticed that all three of those other guys I had run into earlier were kind of passed out on the floor sleeping. Just my luck that all of those sketchy dudes were hanging out together. I really didn't want them to recognize me, so I went into the gift shop and bought a wig. As we boarded the plane, wouldn't you know... they sat me right between two of those guys. I didn't want to tell them my real name, so I told them my name was Mrs. Swanson. Now this part is freaky. Do you want to hear a coincidence? Lifehouse tweeted a picture of them on a plane with a "Mrs. Swanson" that very same day! What are the odds? I swear it's like Lifehouse and I are in some parallel universe sometimes.
As our flight took off, this one hair obsessed guy on the right kept wanting to tell me Chuck Norris jokes and the other tall fellow from a few seats behind kept asking me if I knew how to break-dance. After they all finally fell asleep, I looked out the window as my mind drifted back to the last time I had seen Lifehouse in concert. A smile enveloped my face. I didn't have the heart to wake up the hair obsessed guy to tell him he was drooling on me. But finally, when I was relaxed enough, I closed my eyes and started to drift off to sleep. But a startling thought crossed my mind and my eyes flew open wondering how in the world I hadn't noticed this before: Jesus has an Australian accent!